Rebuilding Life After Alcohol Addiction and Hallucinations
This article has been adapted and edited from Issue No. 129 of The Dendo, a bimonthly magazine.
Alcohol Addiction
“T… you’re an alcoholic.”
This happened more than ten years ago. One day, a coworker gave me that warning in a quiet, serious tone.
At first, I could not accept it. I thought, “It’s not like I’m drinking first thing in the morning. There’s no way I’m an alcoholic.”
But in reality, I was going to snack bars night after night and emptying two bottles of alcohol by myself. Before long, I was hospitalized on suspicion of alcohol addiction, and my wife, whom I had just married, divorced me.
At night, lying alone in a dark hospital bed, I shed tears of regret.
Unable to Keep a Job
For a while, I had no motivation to do anything. I spent about a month simply staring blankly into space.
“I guess I should start looking for a job soon…”
I enrolled in driving school, went to the employment office, and found a job. But even though I worked every day, I could not imagine continuing that work for the rest of my life. My relationships with others were superficial, and I had no real connections outside of work. In the end, I quit after one year.
I soon found another job, but no matter where I worked, I could never stay long. If I lasted six months, that was considered good.
“You quit your job again?” my parents would scold me every time.
Reluctantly, I would take another job. But wherever I went, I never felt able to settle down.
“As long as I can earn money, any job is fine. Someday, I’d like to become a writer.”
Even though I said that, I never actually kept writing steadily. As always, I spent most of my time drinking, and only occasionally submitted something for a literary award.
A Short-Lived Marriage
“Isn’t it about time you settled down?”
My parents were worried because I kept quitting jobs. When I reached my late twenties, they arranged several marriage meetings for me.
When I was 30, one of those meetings led to marriage. Only three months after meeting her, we had our wedding. Soon after, my wife became pregnant.
It seemed as if our new life had started smoothly.
But then—
My wife went back to her parents’ home to give birth, and she never returned.
“She says she wants a divorce,” her mother told me.
Our marriage had lasted only one year. The reason was, once again, alcohol.
While my wife was pregnant, I never said a single kind word to her. I left her alone and went out drinking all the time. At snack bars, I would empty two bottles every time. I would drink until I lost consciousness and often came home the next morning.
Then one day, while my wife was staying with her parents, I suddenly felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. Still hungover, I submitted my resignation letter.
It was only natural that my pregnant wife would feel deeply anxious about our future.
“What have I done…”
Soon after, I was hospitalized for tests on suspicion of alcohol addiction. I cried tears of regret in my hospital bed, but by then, it was too late.
Frightening Voices I Could Not See
Fortunately, my addiction seemed to be still mild. After being hospitalized, I did not experience withdrawal symptoms, and I naturally became distant from alcohol.
But then, a problem even more serious than alcohol began.
After I was discharged, I suddenly started hearing strange voices.
I could not see anyone, but it sounded as if several women were gathered outside my room window, gossiping about my divorce and saying vulgar things.
“Stop it! What is this?”
Whether I watched TV, turned on the car radio, passed people on the street, or went to a convenience store, I felt as though everyone was pointing at me and speaking badly about me.
The hallucinations began the moment I woke up and continued nonstop throughout the day. I felt as if I was going to lose my mind.
The medication I received from the hospital did not work. Instead, it made me extremely hungry and sleepy. My weight kept increasing, moving around became troublesome, and I tired easily.
I could no longer work properly. I gave up on becoming a full-time employee and looked for short part-time jobs, but wherever I went, I could not endure the voices. I kept repeating the cycle of starting a job and quickly quitting.
My parents could not understand my condition.
“Why don’t you work? You can talk normally, eat meals, and even drive a car.”
“No matter how I explain this, they’ll never understand…”
I no longer had the energy to explain. Even when my parents blamed me, I simply remained silent.
Words I Encountered at Rock Bottom
As two years, then three years passed, I became almost unable to work. I shut myself inside the house and spent my days lying down.
From the moment I woke up until I went to sleep, I heard voices. It felt as though everyone was speaking badly about me. I became terrified and could no longer trust anyone. There were several times when I almost took my own life.
“I can’t take this anymore. What am I supposed to do?”
One day, I was lying on my back in my futon, reading a Happy Science book. For several years, I had occasionally bought their books at bookstores.
With my mind in a haze, I was turning the pages of The Laws of the Sun when these words suddenly caught my eye:
“Believe in me, and gather unto me.”
I was startled.
It felt as though those words were being spoken directly to me.
To my frightened heart, which could no longer believe in anything, the words sounded gentle and warm. For reasons I could not explain, tears began to flow.
“I want to believe in this person’s words. I want to trust these words and follow them sincerely.”
I made up my mind and called the Happy Science phone number printed at the end of the book. They told me where my local branch was. Three days later, I visited the branch and decided to become a member.
Someone Cried for Me
Every day, with a desperate feeling, I read Happy Science sutras, including The Dharma of the Right Mind.
After some time, a Happy Science local base opened near my home. When I visited, a woman who had been quietly working there stopped what she was doing and warmly welcomed me. She was Ms. K, the leader of the local base.
At first, I could not speak well.
“Well… I’m actually an alcoholic, and I hear strange voices… I’m almost bedridden.”
As I gradually explained my condition, Ms. K began to cry.
The fact that there was someone who would cry for me touched my heart deeply. I cried too.
“Mr. T, from now on, let’s become happier and happier together.”
Whenever I went to the local base, Ms. K always gave me kind and careful advice.
“Even little by little, let’s try to become someone who can be useful to God.”
“I’d like to help with something too,” I said.
From then on, once or twice a week, on days when I felt well enough, I began doing light volunteer work at the local base. I helped with shopping, sorting missionary magazines, and stamping the name of the local base on them.
At first, helping for just one hour exhausted me, and sometimes I had to lie down right there.
When I returned home, I prayed, read books of Truth, and reflected on my past. I also went to a Happy Science temple and participated in training programs, including one on reflection and gratitude toward one’s parents.
I reflected on the trouble I had caused my parents and younger sisters, and on the fact that I had lacked kindness toward my wife.
As I worked on this sincerely, my physical condition gradually began to improve. I was able to visit the local base more often, and the time I could spend volunteering increased. Through these activities, a sense of purpose began to return to my heart.
Encouraged by Friends at Happy Science
The people at Happy Science were cheerful and kind, and the time I spent at the local base became the happiest part of my life.
Still, the hallucinations did not stop.
At times, I could not help thinking, “Maybe the people at the local base are speaking badly about me.”
Whenever that happened, I would tell myself:
“No, that’s not true. These good people would never say such things. Happy Science also teaches that other people are not thinking about us as much as we imagine.”
I also learned that drinking too much alcohol can make a person more susceptible to possession by evil spirits.
During painful times, the book Guideposts to Happiness became a source of support for my heart.
Again and again, I encouraged myself with the thought, “I, too, am a child of Buddha. Within me is a Buddha-nature that shines like a diamond. I just need to keep polishing it.”
Together with Ms. K, I began distributing missionary magazines in the community.
Day by day, I felt my mind and body steadily recovering. Then, someone at the local base recommended that I listen to recorded Happy Science lectures.
Until then, I had not been able to sleep well because of the hallucinations. But when I listened to the lectures before going to bed, my heart became lighter, and I was able to sleep very well.
I listened to them almost every night.
Something Left My Ear
Several years ago, I asked my parents, who worked as food peddlers, “Please let me help with your work.”
I began waking up early to go to the market, loading goods into the car, and going from house to house.
After some time, seeing the change in me, my younger sister became interested in Happy Science and joined as a member. Six months later, my parents also joined. Conversations about faith began to come up naturally at home.
Then, one day, a little more than two years after I had started listening to lecture tapes by Master Ryuho Okawa before bed, something happened.
As usual, I played a tape and closed my eyes. Then, from my right ear, I heard a popping sound—as if the cap of a cola bottle had been opened—and felt something shoot out.
Three days later, the same thing happened from my left ear.
From that day on, I was able to completely part ways with the hallucinations that had tormented me for so long.
My father once quietly said,
“I’m glad our family encountered Happy Science.”
I truly feel the same way.
Happy Science gave me hope for life and the joy of living while supporting one another with many people.
I still have a long way to go, but I will regard the rest of my life as the real beginning and continue living more positively from now on.
The Secret Behind Encounters That Deeply Touch Your Heart
In your life, there may be encounters that deeply and especially touch your heart. This does not apply only to relationships between men and women; it can also happen between men, or between women.
Even though the person is not a family member, you may feel as if they are family. Or you may gain a lifelong friend who feels like a destined friend. You may meet a friend, a Dharma friend, who leads you to the Truth of Buddha’s Law and then continues to walk with you for decades. There are bonds like this.
Such beings called “soulmates” truly do exist.
There may be people who are now suffering while trying to start their lives over, or who are living with a sense of guilt. But life is not that simple. We are born in many different eras, play many different roles, and reincarnate again and again, switching roles as we train our souls through life.
It is even possible that the person who is now your mother was once your child in a past life. Also, people who are now competing against each other as rivals may have been siblings in a past life.
Therefore, when we try to understand the meaning of life, we must think deeply.
Once you come to know this, when you meditate or reflect, I hope you will also include the perspective that a certain person who has left a deep impression on your soul may, in fact, be someone who has a very deep karmic connection with your soul.
Worries About Human Relationships Are Also Part of Life’s “Workbook”
What determines the happiness or unhappiness of your life right now is, in fact, often the people close to you—the group of about twenty or thirty people with whom you have a connection. It is probably within that group that much of your happiness or unhappiness is decided.
In many cases, these people are truly people you were meant to meet in this world.
There are people with whom you have karmic ties, people who are absolutely necessary for your spiritual training in life, and who are arranged to appear at a certain time so that you will definitely meet them at least once. Among them, there may be people who treat you kindly, and there may also be people who teach you something sternly or give you trials. But there are people whom you must meet.
This is, in a sense, part of your “workbook of life.”
There are cases where it is arranged that, as part of your workbook, you must meet this person and that person, and resolve in this life the issues you carried over from past lives.
For example, in a past life, you may originally have had a close relationship with someone—as parent and child, siblings, or husband and wife—but at some point during that life, the relationship became extremely bad and gave rise to hatred. In this life, you may meet that person again in a different relationship, and you are tested to see what will happen this time.
In this way, when issues of love and hatred arise—especially when the other person has a deep influence on your life—very often, this is part of a divine arrangement coming from past lives, included in your workbook of life.
Regarding the suffering you are facing now, it is better not to think, “This just happened because I was unlucky,” but rather, “This is one of the problems in the workbook given to me.”
I hope you will understand that, very often, things happen inevitably because they are meant to happen that way.
Excerpt from "The Laws of Courage" by Master Ryuho Okawa.
